Post-partum depression sucks. It is real and it is miserable. I had it after Barrett was born and it was miserable then. Nothing has changed. It is one of the most lonely, hopeless, sad feelings I have ever felt. Even when you are surrounded by people who love and support you – you feel lonely. I know it is different for everyone. Some women feel sad, some mad, some hopeless, and some a mixture of all of these. I have been through all of these emotions and lots more.
Mornings are the worst. Maybe because when you wake up the emotions are still there? One of the most helpful things for me, though, is just having the people I love around. Feeling surrounded by people who love and care about me – even if I still feel lonely. Just knowing they are there makes me feel more secure. I was very needy during the first couple of weeks after Hudsyn was born… not that I am proud of that – but it is what it is.
It’s weird how quickly things can seem so dark. It hasn’t started immediately either time for me. I was prepared this time and had gotten on Prozac during my third trimester in hopes of evading this miserable experience; however, no such luck. It started slowly with some teary-ness a couple of days after delivery and then come on with a vengeance within the next day or two. Miserable.
I have been there before, so I knew it would get better – I never doubted that. But, during those days it sure felt miserable. Every minute was hard to get through.
Although sometimes it’s uncomfortable to talk about – I know that lots of women have these issues. Many of them don’t even tell anyone or get help which has to make it that much more miserable. Others don’t have anyone to talk to or the resources to get help. I know that postpartum depression is beginning to be talked about a little more, but the subject is still pretty taboo.
I cannot imagine how hard it is for someone – especially a mother – who has never experienced postpartum depression to comprehend the feeling of not wanting a baby that grew inside you for 9 months. But that’s exactly how I felt. I was so excited to add a baby girl to our family and had so much fun preparing for her arrival. However, a couple of days after she was born I didn’t even want to look at her. I didn’t want to touch her or feed her or change her diaper. Honestly, I just wanted her to go away. Even for me, looking back now that literally seems crazy! But those feelings were so very real during those couple of weeks. There is so much guilt that comes along with those feelings. It is a never ending vicious circle and it is miserable. While I didn’t even want to look at her I felt bad for feeling that way. I didn’t want to feed her, and felt bad for not wanting to feed her, but then felt bad because someone else had to feed her. It was seriously never ending. But the feelings are SO real.
I had a few phone sessions with a counselor I used to see and I think that helped tremendously. I feel comfortable with her and I trust her. She encouraged me to allow myself to accept help from others. I don’t really have trouble accepting it, but I have trouble not feeling bad for it when I do. I am the one who had a baby – not my parents, not my grandparents, not my friends. Why should everyone have to be tired and worn out because I had a baby? I know that they love me and want to help, but that never made me not feel bad.
I was also put on progesterone which was a life-saver! It took several days to get in my system, but when it did it was magical. Each day I felt a little better and was able to make myself do more and more. For the first several weeks everything I did was truly just “going through the motions.” But, that’s what got me to where I am now!
I absolutely cannot imagine going through this difficult time without my family and friends. My husband, parents and grandparents were there through it all. My mom, dad, and Isaac sat with me for hours while I cried and cried and cried. Isaac stepped right up and took care of Hudsyn when I could not physically make myself do so. He even slept in the garage with her one night so that I wouldn’t hear her cry and could get some sleep. My parents were always there to help however they could. Our friends didn’t shy away just because I was a basket case – which was very appreciated. And on top of all of that, we were provided dinner (and sometimes lunch) almost every day for nearly 3 weeks by various friends, family, church members, and others. We truly have so many wonderful people in our lives and we are so blessed.