I’ve really been struggling lately. Usually when I share my experiences with anxiety and/or depression, it is after the fact. It is when I am feeling better. But I thought a new approach might be beneficial.
As I mentioned, Ive really been struggling lately. Struggling to make myself get out of bed each morning, struggling to put a smile on my face for my babies and the people who love and care about me, struggling to make myself eat a meal… or the opposite – struggling to make myself stop eating once I start.
I struggle to remember that every little thing is NOT a BIG deal. Issues can be handled and problems can be solved. Every party doesn’t have to be just as over the top or well planned out as the ones before. I struggle to keep my cool when something doesn’t go the way I expected or one of my kids gets out of line. I struggle when my schedule gets hectic and I am rushed. I need to have a plan for everything – and I need things to go as planned.
I want to sleep all the time, but when I try I can’t seem to shut my mind off so that I can. The thoughts range from whether or not the frozen pancakes and cereal I let my kids talk me into for supper actually suffice as dinner to what if I can’t find my keys in the morning when it’s time to leave for work?
I apologize way too much and spend my life worrying that everyone I come in contact with is frustrated with or mad at me. Then I worry what I could have done differently to make them not be upset with me – whether they actually are or not. I dwell on things that were said or took place previously – whether it be hours, days, months, or years. And again, it consumes me.
I read too much into text messages, the tone of people’s voices, and the things people say (or don’t say). Often, because of my current frame of mind, when loved ones try offer help or suggestions, I shut down. I take them as though they just want me to follow steps 1, 2, and 3 and “Poof!” I am magically “better” for lack of a better term.
I worry about the future and my sweet babies who are so innocent and wake up each day ready to take on the world. Am I giving them what they need? Am I spending enough time with them? Am I present when I am spending time with them? Am I damaging them by letting them see the harsh reality that their mom struggles with anxiety and depression no matter how bad she wishes she could rid herself of it – instead of hiding it from them? And what about my husband? Am I the woman today he thought I would be six years later when he said those vows? Am I there for him like he deserves for me to be? Am I present in our relationship? My parents? Grandparents? Do I make sure the kids see them enough? Do I make sure they get to participate in the things they want to? Could I be more present in their lives? All of these questions become worries and anxieties that creep into my mind sneakily.
And then..there are the numerous nameless fears. I can’t pinpoint these fears or anxieties. I don’t know what they are or why I am having them. They are constantly there. My anxiety and depression often make the happiest of moments seem unbearable . They strike up some nameless fear in me and my heart begins to pound, I feel short of breath, my ears feel hot, I start to sweat, and the tremble sets in. It’s usually not visible, but I can feel it inside. I feel sick to my stomach, and I just want to crawl into my bed in the fetal position.. But then.. the thoughts and feelings start all over again.
Although I have dealt with panic attacks/anxiety/depression for years, it still tends to manifest differently each time it rears its’ ugly head. Just when I feel that I have proper coping skills in place and ready when needed, the game changes and what worked last month or the month before no longer works. Back to square 1.
Throughout all of these feelings, I know in the back of my mind that things will be okay. I know I will come out of this. I know I have a great life and so much to be thankful for. So, to someone who hasn’t experienced anxiety and/or depression I likely seem ungrateful or unappreciative for the things and people I have in my life. This could not be farther from the truth. I know and appreciate how great my life is and what a wonderful family and group of friends I have; however, that doesn’t just magically make my anxieties go away no matter how desperately I wish it did. It is hard to sit back and watch everyone else have fun and interact through my tear-filled eyes.
As I mentioned previously, however, this not constant. Such “spells” may come and go through the day, throughout the month, or even throughout the year in person-specific increments. This causes lots of confusion in people who do not deal with this for themselves or on a regular basis with someone else. I try to be Okay. I try to be happy. I try to be enjoyable for my kids and others around me. And then suddenly I’m not. I am teary, or even sobbing, my heart feels like it is beating out of my chest, I’m sweating and trembling, and I just don’t feel like I can go on. But eventually, I am able to calm down and rationally figure out what my next steps need to be.
I’ve done some research lately and it appears I have “High Functioning Anxiety.” Most days it doesn’t keep me from getting through my day. There may be things it keeps me from doing and absolutely makes it harder for me to keep my composure all day; but most days I am able to at least function – often with a smile on my face! Again, this makes it really hard for people who have not experienced this to understand or really even consider it to be “real.”
My mom recently took me to the mineral springs and spa at Ojo Caliente in New Mexico. I was struggling when we left and truly wanted to relax and leave everything behind, but did not succeed. I was, however, able to relax some, enjoy the different pools said to help different ailments, and spend some extra special and much needed quality time with my mom. The anxious part of my brain has me feeling bad for potentially taking away from her ability to relax due to my issues. The realization part of my brain is trying really hard not to let the anxious part take over and remind myself that she wanted to spend time with me (while relaxing of course).
I want others who feel this way to know that they are not alone. I’m not a spokesperson for a commercial or a model for a billboard. I am just another human who struggles frequently with anxiety and depression. There is always someone out there to listen. If the people who you would normally go to with your problems has trouble understanding, look further! There are so many options and treatments for anxiety and depression – each of which work differently for different people. Don’t give up. Keep pushing to find what works for you – no matter what others may say.